Benjamin Franklin once wrote, “Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain, and most fools do.” 

If only we weren’t that kind of fool.  But we all slide down that slippery slope of criticism too easily and too often.  And sadly, the people we criticize the most are almost certainly the ones we love the most.

The English Language Learners definition of criticism is excellent.  It states criticism is “the act of expressing disapproval and of noting the problems or faults of a person or thing.” 

It’s been said that, “When we judge or criticize another person, it says nothing about that person; it merely says something about our own need to be critical.”  Sadly, there is a lot of truth to that statement.  We’ve all been criticized, so we all criticize.  It’s a learned behavior that is especially appealing to our sinful natures.

All of us become critical sometimes, but some of us gravitate to it more frequently.  Sadly, those who frequently “express disapproval” will argue that they are simply offering loving and constructive criticism to others.  But most misunderstand the concept.  Instead of “constructive,” their words and tones are typically destructive.

Criticism is destructive to relationships when it is about personality or character rather than behavior, when the words are blame-filled, not focused on improvement, when they imply there is only one “right way” to do something, and when they are belittling.  (Dr. Steven Stosney, “What’s Wrong with Criticism.”)

A bit later in the article, Dr. Stosney writes, “At no time … does an obvious fact occur to critical people: Criticism is an utter failure at getting positive behavior change. Any short-term gain you might get from it builds resentment down the line.”

Let me share a few other nuggets from Dr. Stosney’s article:

“You’re likely to be the last to know whether you’re a critical person. … If someone says you’re critical, you probably are.  But there’s a better way to tell: Think of what you automatically say or think to yourself if you drop something or make a mistake.  Critical people will typically think, Oh you idiot, or curse or sigh in disgust.  If you do that to yourself, you most likely do it to others.”

I’m guessing the words in that last paragraph indict a lot of us. 

It is so very easy to run others down, to dismantle their self-esteem bit-by-bit with “well-intentioned” expressions of disapproval.  Once criticism is leveled, it can’t be taken back, and all that remains is the damage that the criticism produces.  It really does take multiple kind words to try to temper the destruction of unkind ones, and ultimately the kind words never undo the unkind.

Yes, some can use the criticisms of others to motivate themselves to excel.  But the vast majority of people wither under negative comments.  To prosper, most need encouragement.  That is, they need true encouragement … not negative-based “encouragement” to change, but kind, uplifting, invigorating, positive and pure words of encouragement.

Dr. Stosney contrasts criticism with “feedback.”  Criticism focuses on what’s wrong; feedback focuses on how to improve.  Criticism implies the worst; feedback is about behavior.  Criticism devalues; feedback encourages.  Criticism implies blame; feedback looks to the future and how things can be better.  Criticism attempts to control; feedback respects autonomy.  Criticism is coercive while feedback is not.

To further complicate this matter, yet another crucial factor in effectively encouraging others goes beyond just positive words.  Our tone as we talk is critical as well.

Daniel Goleman, the writer of a book on relationships, explains.  “The way leaders use positivity when communicating with employees can make a huge impact on their emotional well-being and their performance.  I was really surprised how big the impact of these interactions can be. … In one experiment, the emotional tone of a leader delivering news to an employee made more impact than the news itself.  When negative feedback was delivered with a warm tone, the employees usually rated the interaction positively.  On the other hand, good news, such as achieving a goal, delivered with a negative tone would leave employees feeling bad.”

Yikes!  We really do need to weigh our words, rein in our emotions, and consider our tone before speaking to others.

Charles Schwab summarized the concept in this way:  “I have yet to find the man, however exalted his station, who did not do better work and put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval than under a spirit of criticism.”

Here’s what an even more respected and reliable source states:

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up. … And we urge you, brothers and sisters … encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone.  Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else”  (1 Thessalonians 5:11, 14-15).

Oh, that our gracious God would work in us so that encouragement of others becomes easier and more natural than criticism!  Clearly the Lord wants us to be people who build others up instead of tearing them down.